Saturday, April 17, 2010

Who am I ? (2)

My plan had finally unfolded the way I would like. I was happily married and had my two children. It was about time my plan came to life. I was ready to be the perfect stay-at-home mother of my two perfect children.

It began in the hospital, the day our son was born. David would cry when his position was changed. There was something wrong, or so we thought. The nurse took him to the special care nursery. Other than crying to eat every two hours, he was fine as long as no one moved him. I sat by him, holding his hand, crying. What was wrong with my baby? We waited for the specialist to see him. The prognosis: He might just be in a little pain from being born. He was a totally healthy baby. Thank God!

Due to the power outage, we were able to leave the hospital and come home early. It was wonderful coming home with our family! The first month of life at home is a fuzzy memory. We somehow survived. David liked to eat every 2 hours and cried a lot in between feedings. Nothing made him happy. My saving grace... he suddenly began to sleep through the night at 4 weeks. Thank You Jesus! That full night of rest gave me strength to get through the days of non-stop crying. It seemed that our son had developed colic. I was mom to a two year old, a colicky newborn and had no family close by. I remember somedays my husband would come home from work and I would be standing at the door with my screaming son in my arms, my daughter with me, crying. He would relieve me and I would go to the basement and lay on the bed and sob. What happened to my plan!?! This is NOT how parenthood was supposed to be.

I was torn between comforting my son, spending time with my toddler, being a wife, keeping house and being active in church. There was not enough of me to go around. Therefore, the "I'm fine" phasade came to be. The permament smile that let others know I had it all under control. Ha! Control? What was that? I had lost control. I was falling into a deep dark hole that I couldn't get out of.

I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety in the fall of 2004. What? How could I, a happily married wife and loving mother and a Chrisitan be depressed? Where was my faith in God? Christian people don't get depressed! I started on medicine and things began to turn around. I could now think clearer again. I could cope better. The decision to medicate or not is always a personal decision. I respect those that don't, and I ask for respect for those that do. Life began to look brighter again. I could do this after all. It got a whole lot easier. David was never easy to parent like his sister, but it was tolerable now. I just thought that it was the big difference between a boy and a girl. However, deep down my mother's intuition nagged at me that it was more.

We moved back to the U.S. in June of 2005, one day before our 10th wedding anniversary. It was a wonderful and joyous day. (We had been living just across the border for 6 1/2 yrs. due to immigration). Life was unfolding beautifully.

My daughter (who has always been a joy and so easy-going!) was now getting to school-age. Our plan all along had been to send her to a Chrisitan school. However, whenever we prayed about where the word "homeschooling" would come to me. I was NOT going to homeschool. That was crazy, insane and NOT me. Also, my husband was dead set AGAINST homeschooling. This was NOT our plan. We both agreed to pray for a few months about it and discuss again. I will never forget that discussion! We were in the vehicle on the way to church. I said, "Honey, we need to make a decision about school for our daughter." He agreed. I continued, "Whenever I pray about her schooling, I feel like the Lord is telling me that we are to homeschool." He looked at me and said, "You are totally right." What!?! God had dealt with his heart and showed him that we were to homeschool. It was NOT what we planned, but knew without a doubt that homeschooling was what our family was to do.

1 comment:

The MWB said...

Paxil is a beautiful thing. It's been a while since I had to take it but it really helped me through a rough spot when the kids were very small and Brian had to work away and only come home on weekends.

God gave Doctor's the ability to make medicine for a reason....His Children Sometimes NEED it. :o)