My plan had finally unfolded the way I would like. I was happily married and had my two children. It was about time my plan came to life. I was ready to be the perfect stay-at-home mother of my two perfect children.
It began in the hospital, the day our son was born. David would cry when his position was changed. There was something wrong, or so we thought. The nurse took him to the special care nursery. Other than crying to eat every two hours, he was fine as long as no one moved him. I sat by him, holding his hand, crying. What was wrong with my baby? We waited for the specialist to see him. The prognosis: He might just be in a little pain from being born. He was a totally healthy baby. Thank God!
Due to the power outage, we were able to leave the hospital and come home early. It was wonderful coming home with our family! The first month of life at home is a fuzzy memory. We somehow survived. David liked to eat every 2 hours and cried a lot in between feedings. Nothing made him happy. My saving grace... he suddenly began to sleep through the night at 4 weeks. Thank You Jesus! That full night of rest gave me strength to get through the days of non-stop crying. It seemed that our son had developed colic. I was mom to a two year old, a colicky newborn and had no family close by. I remember somedays my husband would come home from work and I would be standing at the door with my screaming son in my arms, my daughter with me, crying. He would relieve me and I would go to the basement and lay on the bed and sob. What happened to my plan!?! This is NOT how parenthood was supposed to be.
I was torn between comforting my son, spending time with my toddler, being a wife, keeping house and being active in church. There was not enough of me to go around. Therefore, the "I'm fine" phasade came to be. The permament smile that let others know I had it all under control. Ha! Control? What was that? I had lost control. I was falling into a deep dark hole that I couldn't get out of.
I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety in the fall of 2004. What? How could I, a happily married wife and loving mother and a Chrisitan be depressed? Where was my faith in God? Christian people don't get depressed! I started on medicine and things began to turn around. I could now think clearer again. I could cope better. The decision to medicate or not is always a personal decision. I respect those that don't, and I ask for respect for those that do. Life began to look brighter again. I could do this after all. It got a whole lot easier. David was never easy to parent like his sister, but it was tolerable now. I just thought that it was the big difference between a boy and a girl. However, deep down my mother's intuition nagged at me that it was more.
We moved back to the U.S. in June of 2005, one day before our 10th wedding anniversary. It was a wonderful and joyous day. (We had been living just across the border for 6 1/2 yrs. due to immigration). Life was unfolding beautifully.
My daughter (who has always been a joy and so easy-going!) was now getting to school-age. Our plan all along had been to send her to a Chrisitan school. However, whenever we prayed about where the word "homeschooling" would come to me. I was NOT going to homeschool. That was crazy, insane and NOT me. Also, my husband was dead set AGAINST homeschooling. This was NOT our plan. We both agreed to pray for a few months about it and discuss again. I will never forget that discussion! We were in the vehicle on the way to church. I said, "Honey, we need to make a decision about school for our daughter." He agreed. I continued, "Whenever I pray about her schooling, I feel like the Lord is telling me that we are to homeschool." He looked at me and said, "You are totally right." What!?! God had dealt with his heart and showed him that we were to homeschool. It was NOT what we planned, but knew without a doubt that homeschooling was what our family was to do.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Who Am I?
I am a wonderfully blessed happy victorious sometimes on the brink of insanity woman! I am truly blessed among women.
I walk the path that I declared I would when I was young. When asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" as a youngster, I would declare, "A Mommy!" Many years later, I am doing just what I claimed I would do! However, the path that has brought me to this place had many unexpected twists and turns. Being a "Mommy" is not all how I thought it would be. I had visions of sitting with my children, lovingly telling stories, playing, cooking, talking, etc.... Yes, we do these things together, but my vision was a perfect one. It did not include the days and nights of colic, fits, puke, fights, ADHD, need I go on? I feel sometimes as a Mom that I am a small boat tossed to and fro between the crashing waves. However, there is One that knows when to calm those storms for me and speak peace to my heart.
I had it all planned out. I would get married, a couple of years later have a child and then wait a few more years and have another child and then possibly two more. I laugh now when I look back and see how naiive I truly was! My plan was not God's plan. I did get married at the tender age of 18, one week after graduating high school. I went from being a child to a married woman. I grew up while being married. I learned so much during those years of my life! It was not always an easy way to travel, but it was the best way for me. I am still married to that man today. We have continued to grow and mature together. Step one was complete... I got married.
I had it planned out that step two would naturally come in about two years. I couldn't wait for the day I would become Mommy to someone. Suddenly, my plan was not going very well. I found out that I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). There was not a whole lot of doctors that were educated with PCOS where I lived. At that time, we were told that we may never have children. If I got pregnant, there was a good chance I would lose my baby. If we ever did have a successful pregnancy, it would be a miracle. The wind went out of my sails. What happened to MY plan? Why me? I would be the perfect mother. Why?
It would be three years before my dream would be realized. Three hard, painful, tear-filled years. During that time, we had some major uphevals in our life. My husband almost died from complications during an auto accident, he lost his job and we moved from the only home I had ever known to the United States. What happened to MY plan?
I realized in March of 2000 that I was in the midst of a miscarriage. It was bitter-sweet. I was sad for the child I lost, but yet encouraged with the fact that I had indeed conceived!
It was two months later in May of 2000 that I found out I was expecting. The joy was uncontainable! I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops. I was expecting a BABY! It was a few short days later, that I began to show signs of miscarriage again. I was encouraged to lay down and let my body rest and let nature take its course. I was broken-hearted. Remember my plan, Lord? A sweet sister in the Lord prayed with me. She said that the Lord gave her the word "auspicious". She did not know what it meant. She found when she looked this word up at home that it was "successful". I just looked this word up now and saw that it said "Favorable". In February 22, 2001, we welcomed our precious baby girl, Victoria into our lives. There was nothing like it! Today, she still continues to be a joy to mother and have in our lives. All those days and nights of throwing up became distant memories. I was now a MOM! My plan was finally working out the way I imagined it!
We found out that we were expecting again in August of 2002! How exciting! It didn't take three years to become pregnant again! Six days later, I sadly lost this precious child. This miscarriage hurt more than the first, because I now knew what I had lost. I started down into a dark hole of depression. I didn't know pain like this existed. Our sweet Lord held me in His arms during this time and walked me through those dark days. He continued to let me know that He was there.
Unexpectedly, we found out two months later that we were expecting again. I was NOT ready for this. I was still grieving our lost babe. I had panic within my breast. To this day, I remember standing at the top of our stairs and the Lord spoke to my heart and said it would all be ok. And that it was! We welcomed our son into our lives August 14, 2003. The day of the Great Power Outage in 2003! I think that was God's way of telling me, "Look Out!" I did not know what I was in for!
I walk the path that I declared I would when I was young. When asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" as a youngster, I would declare, "A Mommy!" Many years later, I am doing just what I claimed I would do! However, the path that has brought me to this place had many unexpected twists and turns. Being a "Mommy" is not all how I thought it would be. I had visions of sitting with my children, lovingly telling stories, playing, cooking, talking, etc.... Yes, we do these things together, but my vision was a perfect one. It did not include the days and nights of colic, fits, puke, fights, ADHD, need I go on? I feel sometimes as a Mom that I am a small boat tossed to and fro between the crashing waves. However, there is One that knows when to calm those storms for me and speak peace to my heart.
I had it all planned out. I would get married, a couple of years later have a child and then wait a few more years and have another child and then possibly two more. I laugh now when I look back and see how naiive I truly was! My plan was not God's plan. I did get married at the tender age of 18, one week after graduating high school. I went from being a child to a married woman. I grew up while being married. I learned so much during those years of my life! It was not always an easy way to travel, but it was the best way for me. I am still married to that man today. We have continued to grow and mature together. Step one was complete... I got married.
I had it planned out that step two would naturally come in about two years. I couldn't wait for the day I would become Mommy to someone. Suddenly, my plan was not going very well. I found out that I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). There was not a whole lot of doctors that were educated with PCOS where I lived. At that time, we were told that we may never have children. If I got pregnant, there was a good chance I would lose my baby. If we ever did have a successful pregnancy, it would be a miracle. The wind went out of my sails. What happened to MY plan? Why me? I would be the perfect mother. Why?
It would be three years before my dream would be realized. Three hard, painful, tear-filled years. During that time, we had some major uphevals in our life. My husband almost died from complications during an auto accident, he lost his job and we moved from the only home I had ever known to the United States. What happened to MY plan?
I realized in March of 2000 that I was in the midst of a miscarriage. It was bitter-sweet. I was sad for the child I lost, but yet encouraged with the fact that I had indeed conceived!
It was two months later in May of 2000 that I found out I was expecting. The joy was uncontainable! I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops. I was expecting a BABY! It was a few short days later, that I began to show signs of miscarriage again. I was encouraged to lay down and let my body rest and let nature take its course. I was broken-hearted. Remember my plan, Lord? A sweet sister in the Lord prayed with me. She said that the Lord gave her the word "auspicious". She did not know what it meant. She found when she looked this word up at home that it was "successful". I just looked this word up now and saw that it said "Favorable". In February 22, 2001, we welcomed our precious baby girl, Victoria into our lives. There was nothing like it! Today, she still continues to be a joy to mother and have in our lives. All those days and nights of throwing up became distant memories. I was now a MOM! My plan was finally working out the way I imagined it!
We found out that we were expecting again in August of 2002! How exciting! It didn't take three years to become pregnant again! Six days later, I sadly lost this precious child. This miscarriage hurt more than the first, because I now knew what I had lost. I started down into a dark hole of depression. I didn't know pain like this existed. Our sweet Lord held me in His arms during this time and walked me through those dark days. He continued to let me know that He was there.
Unexpectedly, we found out two months later that we were expecting again. I was NOT ready for this. I was still grieving our lost babe. I had panic within my breast. To this day, I remember standing at the top of our stairs and the Lord spoke to my heart and said it would all be ok. And that it was! We welcomed our son into our lives August 14, 2003. The day of the Great Power Outage in 2003! I think that was God's way of telling me, "Look Out!" I did not know what I was in for!
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