Thursday, June 4, 2015

Learning To Be Canadian Again Part #1

Yes, it's been quite a while since I have blogged.  I have had so many thoughts running through my head, but I've struggled with getting to the place where I was ready to start typing.  We recently sang "I'm Not Alone" by Kari Jobe at church.  This song brought me back to earlier this year and I knew it was time to start typing and to share our experience.

I'm now ready!

It all started on December 31st, 2014.  I began to feel an unrest in my spirit.  It continued on through the celebrations of New Year's Day.  I tried my very best to ignore this feeling.  You see, I've had this feeling before.  This feeling always meant that big changes were on the way.  I don't know about you, but I hate change.  The older I get, the more I hate change.  Yet, it seems that the older I get, there is a lot more changes (and I'm NOT talking about the change of life!!!)

I felt like it had something to do with our living situation.  As most of you know, we were living in Michigan and were in the green card process for permanent status.  This feeling of unrest would not go away.  I finally told Martin that I had this feeling and felt like we would know in 2015 whether we would be staying in the U.S. or not.  Of course we would be staying in the U.S.  That's where we had built a life and we wouldn't be moving back to Canada.  WRONG!

Martin was in a job where he had the worst boss ever and was treated terrible.  Things turned from bad to worse.  This boss made a big mistake in his calculations.  He was pressuring everyone hugely to "find" more money and made the comment that they could "lose" some bills stating expenses.  His job was on the line.  Martin took a lot of verbal abuse from this man.  He wanted Martin to "fudge" the numbers.  Martin refused to do so.  L-O-N-G story short, Martin resigned the day after my birthday.  

Honestly, I was devastated.  I knew what this meant.  We would not be staying in Michigan.  Don't get me wrong, I was SO proud of my husband that he was such a man of integrity that he would resign from a very nice-paying job to do what was right.  However, I'm human!  I was stunned.  Life suddenly became very scary.  This should NOT be happening!  We followed your leading our whole lives Lord and this is what we get!?!  Yep, I had those thoughts.  Remember... I'm human.  

Some of those days seem like a blur.  My anxiety was over the top.  I couldn't eat or drink.  I sat on the couch and stared out the window and cried and then I cried some more.  I lost 5 pounds in 3 days.  I was in the "pit of despair" as Anne of Green Gables would say.  Martin shared Kari Jobe's song with me "I'm Not Alone".  I would sit and listen to it and sob.  I felt alone.  My whole life was changing and there wasn't one thing I could do about it.  I was scared.  I was angry.  Anxiety was consuming me.  On the flip side, Martin was so happy.  He had such a joy that I hadn't seen in quite a while.  He couldn't stop smiling.  I looked over at him one night and said "I've never seen you so happy to be without a job."  A huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.  He had chosen morals over money and that alone brings one joy.  

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